


10 Reasons I Can't [Larry Stylinson] AU *Harry's Journal*

by RevolveAroundLarry



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Confusion, Depression, Diary/Journal, Insecurity, M/M, Pain, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Unrequited Love, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-12 11:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2107338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevolveAroundLarry/pseuds/RevolveAroundLarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are ten reasons I can't find the strength to live anymore. Not being good enough for you is one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Journal Entry - 7/5/14

**This journal is property of Harry Styles. If lost, please return it immediately...**

**_7/5/14_ **

_There are ten reasons._

_Ten reasons why I don't feel the same anymore._

_Ten reasons why the pain has taken over._

_Ten reasons why I can't find the strength to live anymore..._

 

**_A/N:_ ** **_This AU has sensitive material in it. Please do not read if you can't handle stories with self harm and such._ **


	2. Journal Entry - 7/6/14

I leave the concert stage with a rush, not forgetting the usual. Making sure to thank the fans and all. As I walk into the tour bus, the lads are talking with each other. I don't even bother trying to join their conversation, and instead head to my bed. Sitting down on the softness, I reach my hand under my pillow to grab my journal.

The bus started to move, and I steadied myself as I opened my journal, and took out my pen.

 

_**7/6/14** _

_Tonight was our last concert for months, so now I have time to relax from all of my stress. To relieve myself from some of my ongoing thoughts, I'm going to start my list now..._

_My list of reasons why I can't continue my life..._

**_Reason 10_ **

_The fans don't care for me. I'm just mere backup to the rest of the lads. I don't belong in the band, and some fans have made it their mission to tell me that every time they get the chance. For each fan that's told me that this month, I cut myself. I have a total of ten cuts on my thighs..._

_Five on one, five on the other. No one knows about my cutting but me, and no one probably cares but me. The chances of anyone caring about me is very slim._

_I can hardly even care myself._

 

"Harry, why don't you come join us in here?" Niall yelled from way in the front of the bus.

I closed my journal, done with my entry, and got up from my bed. I went into the front to see all the lads having a nice laugh with each other. I glanced at Louis, and he noticed, but he turned his head away and his smile was gone.

Looks like I have a reason to give myself a cut tonight.


	3. Journal Entry - 7/7/14

I took a seat hesitantly beside Louis, and I felt as if he shifted further away from me. Looks like that's another cut I'm giving myself...

After what seemed like years, the lads started to head to sleep, while I walked quietly to the restroom in the back. Closing the door behind me softly, I slid down to the cold floor.

"I can't stand myself..." I whispered, as I pulled my small blade from my jacket.

I twirled it around in my fingers gently, and stared at the shiny object.

"You're my only friend..." I said aloud, as I dragged the blade across my left wrist.

The blood rushed out, as did my tears. I switched the blade to my other hand, and slit my right wrist, almost crying out loudly from the pain. Blood rushed out some more, and I put my blade back into my jacket's pocket.

-

**_7/7/14_ **

**_Reason 9_ **

_I'm invisible._

_Or at least that's what it feels like._

_No matter how loud I shout, it gets drowned out. The pain is just too real. The feeling of not being noticed..._

_Not being seen..._

_It's tearing me limb, from limb._

_Maybe I'm not invisible. Maybe I'm being ignored on purpose. Maybe I shouldn't even exist._

_I'm a waste of space._

 

I closed my journal, and slid it under my pillow. Trying hard to conceal my tears, I yank my sheets above my head, and silently cry myself to sleep. As I slowly drifted, the stinging sensation in my wrists grew strong.


	4. Journal Entry - 7/8/14

I wake up to the sound of laughing and talking coming from the front of the bus. Slowly pulling the covers down, I hear Louis call for me.

"Harry! Wake up, we're home!" He shouted.

I stayed put. I didn't want to be seen quite yet. After a moment, things got quiet, and suddenly Louis appeared beside my bunk.

"Hey, what's wrong...?" Louis asked, staring at me closely.

I bet he doesn't care. He's only asking that because I'm the hold up...

"Nothing... I'm fine..." I lied, getting out of the bed in a rush.

"Ok...well could you please hurry up, Harry? Us lads would like to go home now," Louis told me, as I gathered up my things.

I froze.

"Then why don't you just fucking go already!" I snapped.

"...You're right, we don't need to wait on you..." Louis said, as he walked away.

Damn me...

I screw things up all the time...

This is why I shouldn't even be living.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean it..." I whispered out, but Louis was already off the bus.

I'm going to hurt myself...

-

I stepped inside my empty home, dropped all my bags down, and myself.

"Why am I such a mess...?!" I cried out, bringing my hands to my face.

After sitting on the floor and crying, contemplating on when, and how I'm going to rid myself from this world, I slowly walked upstairs to my room.

My cold, silence filled room.

My room that I used to not be alone in...

Until Louis moved out.

Yeah, we lived together...but that was when I wasn't a screwed up mess.

-

**_7/8/14_ **

_Can I fix myself?_

_Or is there no hope?_

_Why am I even like this...?_

_What happened to the Harry I used to be...?_

_Oh._

_I know._

_Society ruined me._

**_Reason 8_ **

_I'm gay, and apparently being gay is wrong. I'm not accepted by anyone it seems like. Not even the fans like it. I remember when I tweeted the news..._

_My notifications blew up with tweets like_

_"Kill yourself @Harry_Styles"_

_"@Harry_Styles Being gay is wrong, go slice your neck please"_

_"Ew @Harry_Styles I can't believe this, I'm not a directioner anymore"_

_"Just because you're gay @Harry_Styles that doesn't mean Louis will ever want you. He loves Eleanor, and you're getting in the way"_

_That last one killed me the most, but they're right. Louis doesn't feel that way about me. Larry Stylinson is bullshit to him, and he loves Eleanor..._

_Forever alone._

 

 

I slammed my journal closed, and threw it across the room.

"Why can't he love me...?!" I screamed, crying as I yanked out my precious blade.

One cut for being gay.

One cut for even falling for Louis.

One cut for getting in the way of Elounor.

One cut for making Louis move out.

One cut for existing.

After my five cuts, I still didn't feel any better.

I felt worse.


	5. Journal Entry - 7/9/14

I wake up to a painful feeling in my back from falling asleep on the carpeted floor. My eyes were stinging from excessive crying, and my cuts were screaming at me. I looked around the room feeling alone, and started to cry.

Getting up slowly from the floor, I walked into the bathroom in the far back of the room, slammed the door closed, and stared at my reflection in the mirror.

"I'm too fat... I need to lose some weight..." I cried softly, staring at my body critically.

I think skipping breakfast for the rest of the week should help.

No.

I'm a lost cause.

Too worthless.

Nothing can help me...

-

_**7/9/14** _

_**Reason 7** _

_My weight is something to laugh about. It's so awful, and I just wish it would change. Everywhere I go, I feel like people stare at me and judge me because of it. Not a single part of my body am I pleased with. Sometimes I actually forget about my weight and how terrible it is, but most of the time something always reminds me of it._

_I remember once when the lads and I were on tour, I was forced to go on a diet. I was also the only one who had to workout all the time. That made me feel even worse about my body._

_Is it really that bad...?_

_Who am I kidding, it's beyond disappointing._

_One time a fan yelled to me_

_"Please lose some weight, you're ruining the look of the entire band!"_

_I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. The tears were trapped, but they wanted to spill. They almost did when I could have sworn I saw Louis laugh at the fan's comment._

_The world these days are twisted, and wicked. No matter which way you turn, there is something that gets in your way._

_Something that will either slow you down..._

_Or break you down..._

_I'm surprised I'm still hanging on._


	6. Journal Entry - 7/10/14

As I close my journal, and place down my pen on the bed, my stomach begins to growl.

"No..." I whisper out, grabbing slightly onto it.

I can't eat...

I just can't.

I rise off of the bed, and sink down to the floor. My stomach started to growl some more, but I ignored it. I sat on the floor, just thinking...

Thinking about everything. Everything that brings me down. Everything that gets in my way. Everything that makes me a screwed up mess.

The air conditioning in the room started to turn on, and I got off the floor in a rush. The cold air that swirled around started to sting my cuts a little. Grabbing my journal and pen, and slipping on my shoes, I went out of my arctic room. As I walked down the stairs, my head started to hurt. About to take another step, my eyelids started to flutter, and my head grew light.

The next thing I knew, I fell down the last few steps, and my vision went black.

-

Harry was out cold at the bottom of the stairs for hours. He was sweating the whole time he was out.

In a matter of minutes, he weakly opened his eyes, and got off of the floor. Not being able to stand very well, he fell back down. Still dizzy, Harry began to cry a little. In that moment, he finally decided to eat something.

"Not eating must cause dizziness," Harry thought, not daring to try and get up, but crawling miserably towards the kitchen.

He left his journal and pen where he fell, only focused on getting food in his system.

-

After I ate something I felt better, but it was like I could already feel my weight increasing.

"Damn me..." I sobbed out, pulling my hair in frustration.

I removed myself from sitting at the table, and I kicked the chair angrily, crying excessively. I dropped down beside the chair I kicked, and wiped my wet eyes. Suddenly my phone started to ring from inside my jeans pocket. I reached for it hesitantly.

No one ever really calls me.

Sniffling, I looked at the caller I.D.

It was Louis.

"Hello...?" I said softly, trying to control my sniffling.

"Uhm...are you crying, Harry?" Louis asked me.

"No, I'm fine. I promise... What do you want?" I asked.

"The band is having a meeting in an hour."

"Alright, where?"

"Over at my place, make sure you come alright? It's important," Louis said.

"Yeah, I'll be there... Bye Louis."

"Bye." Louis said, hanging up the phone.

I really don't want to go out in public. I just want to stay in here.

Alone.

Locked away in my lonely room.

-

The meeting was a long one about our next album coming out. We had a long discussion about who should get more solos, and who should get less.

I got less, but that's fine because my voice isn't all that great anyway...

-

_**7/10/14** _

**_Reason 6_ **

_Not only is my weight a major issue, but so is my appearance. My looks could kill, but not in a good way. In the band, I'm most assuredly the unattractive member. My sense of fashion lacks appeal, and whenever I'm around the lads I just make them look bad._

_I can't compete with Zayn. He's like a gorgeous Vogue model._

_I can't compete with Liam. He's like a strong and handsome athlete._

_I can't compete with Niall. He's like a hot rock star._

_I absolutely can't compete with Louis. He's like a stunning actor._

_A complex and beautiful work of art._

_Perfection at it's definite finest._

_The view that I never get tired of looking at._

_I'm just....boring. I shouldn't even get to be in the band because of how horrible I look._

_What's the definition of a monstrosity?_

_Me, Harry Styles._


	7. Journal Entry - 7/11/14

Locked away. Staying hidden from the world. Being in my lonely house, in my lonely room. This place isn't home anymore.

I step into the shower, and let the water soothe my nerves. The meeting yesterday about the band actually got to me more than I thought it would...

-

_**7/11/14** _

_**Reason 5** _

_My voice is something that I think needs to be locked in a damn cage. I honestly don't understand why I'm even still in the band. I can't sing for shit. There have been numerous times where I felt that they secretly edited my voice on some of the songs. Slowly, and slowly, they're taking away how much I get to sing._

_I can't blame them, though._

_They're just doing their job._

_Once at a concert, management had my mic volume lowered so no one could hear me. I stopped singing, and just stood there._

_That's when Louis noticed, and he came over to me. He asked me what happened, I told him, and he put his mic up to me._

_That was a long time ago._

_A time where my band mates actually cared._

_A time where Louis actually cared._


	8. Journal Entry - 7/12/14

_**7/12/14** _

_**Reason 4** _

_Ever heard of the term "third wheel"? I'm in that situation, but instead of third I'm the fifth. Whenever I go out with the rest of the lads, it's always Zayn and Louis talking to each other. Then it's always Niall and Liam laughing and what not with each other. Then there's me._

_The fifth wheel. I'm the loner of the group. Sure there are times where the lads talk to me, but it's not very many. Even when there is that moment I'm talked to, it's a short one. Once I tried to start a conversation with Louis, but his attention was taken by Zayn._

_I can't stand Zouis._

_I hate it._

_I get so jealous when fans always take notice of Zouis._

_"Oh look, it's Zouis!!"_

_"Zayn and Louis are so awesome!!"_

_"Zouis is definitely the best."_

_Those are some of the things fans always say when there's some Zouis action going on. Whether it's on stage, in an interview, or out anywhere, they fans just can't get enough of Zouis._

_Don't even get me fucking started about Niam._

_"Oh my gosh, Niam!!"_

_"Niam is so hot!!"_

_"Niall and Liam need to be together, Niam is so amazing!!"_

_The fans just can't get enough of Zouis and Niam._

_Where does that leave me??_

_Alone._

_I wish Louis didn't think Larry was bullshit..._

_Then maybe, just maybe he'd love me eventually._


	9. Journal Entry - 7/13/14

_**7/13/14** _

_**Reason 3** _

_False accusations._

_The media always likes to attack me. No matter how many nice things I do, they dig up false information and use it to give people the wrong idea about me._

_Manwhore._

_That's a term many have used to describe me, but I'm not though._ _It's management's fault. They always make me date females just to hide that I'm gay._

_I hate it._

_I hate them._

_Lies are always being made about me, and most fans believe it. It's like I can't even have a female friend without people thinking that we're dating._

_News flash..._

_I'm gay,_ _I don't do females._

_I remember when there was Haylor. Those were the worst days I've ever experienced._

_Besides the depression I've been going through for the past few days..._


	10. Journal Entry - 7/14/14

**_7/14/14_ **

**_Reason 2_ **

_I hate myself._

_There._

_I said it._

_I can't stand the way I walk. The way I talk._

_The way I even exist._

_Everything._

_I get in the way of everything and everyone. Without me people's lives would be better. There wouldn't be as much drama or anything._

_Just peace._

_In a world with no Harry Styles..._

_Sounds like something many people would just love._

_I bet Louis most of all wouldn't mind a life without me involved..._

_Pretty soon my existence won't be in the way._

 

As I slammed my journal and look out the window, the sun started to rise. Tears started to form in my eyes, and I began to think about my ending. My existence ends tomorrow.

I get off of my cold bed, letting my journal and pen fall to the floor. Stuffing my hands in my hoodie, I take out my shiny little blade.

"I haven't used you in a while..." I mumbled, heading into my bathroom.

I close the door slowly, walk over to the mirror, and stare at my reflection.

Wet eyes...

Puffy eyes...

Swollen eyes...

Empty eyes...

There's nothing left inside of my soul anymore. Nothing but emptiness. One journal entry left to do...

After that, I'm done.

"It'll be time to say goodbye..." I sobbed out, as I sliced the blade over my wrist.

Giving myself nine cuts in honor of the nine reasons I have written down, my phone rang from my pocket. I dropped the bloody blade into the sink, and stood there for a moment. The phone still continued to ring, and I took it out. As I did so, my cuts were dripping blood on the floor and on my clothes. Ignoring that, I answered my phone.

"What..." I whispered weakly.

"Harry..." Louis whispered from the other end.

What could he even want...?!

"I said what?!"

"...Uhm, how are you? How have you been holding up lately?" He asked hesitantly.

"How have I been holding up...?!" I yelled.

"Are you really asking me that?! If you wanted to know so fucking badly you would have came here instead of giving me some pathetic as fuck phone call!!" I shouted into the phone.

"Harry, I-"

I interrupted Louis' sentence by ending the call.

"I'm so horrible," I choked out in the middle of my cries.

-

After sitting in the bathroom for hours, watching the blood pour from my cuts, I called Louis.

"I'm fine..." I whispered once he answered. Finishing that one line, I hung up the phone.


	11. Journal Entry - 7/15/14 [Final]

Nine cuts done, and one more to go...

I can't believe I'm actually going to end everything.

It's the right thing to do...

Right?

My eyes open up, and the sun pours in from the window. I blink a few times to adjust to the light, and pull myself lazily from my bed. My cuts sting very much, and the blood has dried on my arms. I reach down towards the floor to pick up my journal and pen, and I hold it close to me.

_'She doesn't deserve his heart, let us love'_

That's something I wrote on my journal. It's about Eleanor and Louis of course, but here's the thing...

Even if he wasn't with her, he'd never even love me. He's the one and only, but I'm not good enough for him.

-

The whole day Harry spent his time slicing cuts on his skin, cursing profanities, and crying into his pillow. Not only that, but also wrecking his room. After all of that was done, he grabbed his journal and pen, and began to write his last journal entry.

 

_**7/15/14** _

_**Reason 1** _

_Why can't I learn to be good enough for you Louis?! I know I'm beyond screwed up, but why couldn't you have chosen me...? She's no good for you..._

_But then again neither am I._

_You deserve the best, Louis._

_If you ever read this, I just want you to know that I love you._

 

Harry finished his short journal entry, unable to write anymore. He dropped his pen and journal to the floor, and got up from his bed. Staring at the words _"I Quit"_  he wrote on the wall in red paint, he took out a bottle of pills from his pocket.

"I don't want to live anymore..." He whispered, as he opened the bottle.

Harry poured all of the pills that remained into his hand, and just as he was about to pop them all into his mouth, he heard a voice.

"Harry, don't...!" The voice yelled, barging into the room.

Not just any voice, but Louis' voice.

Harry stopped his actions, and turned around.

"I'm sorry, I have to..." Harry said, holding tightly onto the pills as he closed his eyes and shook his head.

"But I love you..." Louis stated shakily, trying to hold back his tears.

"...I love you too. I always will..." Harry said, as his tears started to fall hard.

"Then don't say goodbye... I need you," Louis sobbed, crashing himself into Harry, hugging him tightly.

 

 

That's what Harry wanted to happen...but it didn't. Harry popped the pills into his mouth, and they soon started to take effect. He began to step wearily onto the stool he prepared so he could hang himself. The rope was there, ready for him to take action.

"There are ten reasons why...I can't find the strength to live anymore..." Harry struggled out, sobbing as he grabbed onto the rope.

His vision started to grow weak, as did his strength.

"Not being good enough for you...is one of them..." Harry finished, as he did what he had to do.

-

After Harry had hung himself, Louis tried calling him in hopes that he'd answer. Little did Louis know that Harry was dead.

Louis had this weird feeling...

This weird feeling that something was really off with Harry this time, so he drove to the house. The house they once shared together. The house that has nothing but Harry's pain deep within it now.

Louis stepped out of his car in a rush, and remembering he didn't have a key anymore, he kept kicking the door. Ten hard kicks later, it finally flew open.

"Harry!! Where are you?! I know you're upset and going through a lot, but please answer me!!" Louis shouted desperately, running up the stairs.

Once he made it to Harry's room, he wasted no time opening the door.

"No!!" Louis shouted, looking at Harry's hanging and dead body.

"Why, Harry?!! Why did you do this...?!" Louis cried out, grabbing harshly onto his hair as he made his way into the room.

He could feel it.

All of Harry's pain and suffering lingering throughout the room. Louis sobbed excessively, trying to breathe. Sobbing even more, he started hyperventilating the more he stared at Harry's dead body.

"...Why?!!" Louis screamed in the middle of his rough breathing, and unstable crying.

Louis lowered his head down, and saw Harry's journal on the floor. He picked it up, and began reading while crying and breathing hard. Once Louis got to the last reason Harry wrote down, he lost it. He started screaming and crying, wishing that he could have prevented this.

"You were supposed to wait, Harry!! I loved you so fucking much!!" Louis sobbed out, falling to the floor with his hands over his face.

"It was never Eleanor... It was always you..." Louis cried.

-

After Harry's death, Louis slipped hard into depression. He couldn't get it out of his head that he was one of the reasons Harry wasn't here anymore. Not only was he one of them, but he was the main one. Months went by, and one panic attack after another, Louis couldn't take it anymore.

"I love you Harry... I'm sorry for everything..." Were Louis' last words as he jumped to a painful death.


End file.
